TREES A JOLLY DULL FELLOW

You see, he's decided to do his bit 'for the environment' though some citizens of Kosovo could rightly point out that he and his army chums left quite a dramatic carbon footprint on the Presevo Valley, having shot the shit out of most of it. James has decided to plant some trees in his Ibiza orchard, and there's no stopping him telling the world about it. Perhaps with his background he feels he deserves a fucking medal, perhaps presented by Major Alan Titchmarsh.

"When I bought the place it had a garden with an orchard at the side. It's about the size of a five-a-side football pitch and has apple trees, orange trees, avocados, limes and plums, which I planted myself," he thrillingly revealed, sadly neglecting to tell us about any sheds on the property or his plans for that old pond with a shopping trolley poking out of it.

"I'm really into growing trees these days, trying to do my bit for the environment. In fact, we plant a tree every time we sell a ticket online."

Why? Why the fuck would anyone do that? Well, here's hoping that the world sees sense and James has a large amount of space in that lovingly-tended orchard.