STOP! HAMMER TIME!

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE! Poor James Blunt is having trouble with his finger. Not the usual trouble of pulling it out of his arse and writing some decent songs for a change, but some physical trouble. In a truly rock 'n' roll moment at a gig... wait, let Captain Charisma tell the story himself.

"I jumped off stage at the end of the gig and was chased by women, and even some men, in the crowd. I started running and the next thing I knew I had broken my finger."

Which would be James confusing the term 'crowd' with the term 'angry mob hell bent on revenge for a spoiled evening'.

"It was a funny moment being chased, but when I got back on stage it was nerve-racking looking down and realising the finger was pointing the wrong way."

Pointing towards the keyboard and the next song, presumably. Anyway, Major Boredom will have to have the finger reset, which means that his tour will be cancelled and... No, sorry. He's carrying on (literally like a trooper) with someone else plonking out forgettable ballads on the only keyboard in the world wishing it was able to kill itself. Continuing his whining (how did he survive Bosnia and Kosovo, for God's sake?) he went on...

"I need it to be right but the idea of having them take a hammer and smash my finger in two isn't so thrilling."

Really? It's giving me a thrill, though a better one would be both hands mashed into splinters, then onto the voicebox. And if any of you are getting the slightest hint of sympathy for him, here's what he went on to say.

"I need it fixed. I need all my fingers to work properly. Not just for performing but for partying."

Right, ladies?