THE WOOD FOR THE TWEED?

Slobbering pig Jade Goody made a quick visit to Chelmsford Crown Court yesterday, but like with jail in 'Monopoly', she was just visiting (that's a popular board game, Jade) as it was her monosyllabic boyfriend Jack Tweed who was there to answer charges.

Obviously, he wasn't charged with attempting to bring society down by producing a range of demoralising Dadaist poetry. No, he is accused of twatting a 16-year-old lad with a golf club, which is much more his level.

The attack, which he denies, is alleged to have taken place in a primary school car park, but God only knows what a 16-year-old was doing there. We can hazard a guess that Jack was picking up his 'See Spot Run' exam results (try again next term, Jack, you'll get there).

Jack and another man (brave pair) are accused of causing actual bodily harm to the minor with a golf club, presumably a five iron or less as that's all Jack can count up to. The case was originally due to be heard in November but clever Jack managed to forget and go on holiday with Jade instead (Merrick on Tweed perhaps), after which an arrest warrant was issued.

Miraculously, the case will go ahead next month. The court waited with bated breath, and then spontaneous applause and cheering broke out after Jack successfully managed to confirm his name, an act later described by his solicitor as 'a personal best'.