RETURN OF THE TACK

The head of commissioning at ITV1 must be sitting in his padded cell with a smirk running across his crazed features this morning, because the channel has just announced the return of one of the worst shows in living memory.

It's 'Mr & Mrs', the dreadful game where a couple have to answer in-depth questions about each other such as 'What colour are your wife's slippers?' and 'How long was he having an affair with his secretary for?' 'Three years, is that your answer? I'm afraid that's wrong, he's still seeing her and planning to leave you.'

Obviously the show will be given a revamp, and how! It will be presented by non-threatening duo Fern Britton and Phillip Schofield (you can feel your pulse racing now, can't you?) and will feature guests such as Christopher Biggins, Lembit Opik and Kerry Katona, all answering questions about their partners in a bid to win money for charity.

And as it's cuddly ITV1 there'll be no questions about burglaries, home insurance payouts or ketamine condiments, that's for sure. Hat's off to ITV, jumping the shark with relentless, dead-eyed vigour since 1991.