PIGEON DEFECTIVE

Ex-Stone Roses singer Ian Brown, currently 80 percent cheekbones and counting, has pondered the fate of Pete Doherty in an interview with NME and come to the conclusion that a spell inside for the Babyshambles shambles would be an exercise in futility.

King Monkey gave the magazine the benefit of his prison experiences, having been locked up for four months in 1998 after threatening to cut an air hostesses hands off mid-flight, and naturally he became acquainted with the use of illicit substances inside.

"A lot of screws are dealers. In Strangeways prison they used to throw drugs over the wall hidden inside dead pigeons. You can get an ounce of weed inside a dead pigeons," said Ian, furiously puffing on a starling, having reduced his consumption from three kestrels a day. "My advice to Pete is to get off the class A drugs first."

Poor Pete. With that bulbous head and tiny mouth he already looks like a pale Tweetie Pie, so the first strip search in prison on his birdlike body will be pretty intensive. Ouch!