WARHOL CRAZY NOW

Pardon me, but does anyone actually know what Hugh Grant does anymore? The last thing I saw him in was 'Love, Actually' where his performance was so wooden that the other actors appeared terrified in every scene they shared with him lest his Dutch Elm disease of a performance spread to them.

Well, needs must and Hugh has to pay for the Cuprinol aftershave and takeaways to throw at paparazzi, and if there's no money coming in from the film work, something has to go. So Hugh is selling his prized Warhol portrait of Elizabeth Taylor.

The floppy-haired fop bought the picture (dubbed 'the turquoise Liz') in 2001, and it was a mere snip at £2m, which begs the question, who the fuck paid Hugh Grant £2m in the first place. Anyway, the painting is up for sale in New York on November 13 and is confidently expected to sell at auction for around £17m, leaving Hugh with plenty of profit. Certainly enough to keep him in tuxedos and hire cars to drive slowly down Sunset Strip.

Richard Curtis, will you hurry up and write another mawkish, middle-class wankfest, for God's sake? Hugh needs money and he needs it now, otherwise he may be forced to write a warts-and-all biography, and the world just doesn't need that.

Fuck, fuckety fuck, indeed.