BABY PLEASE DON'T GO

Security measures have been ramped up at North Shore hospital in Long Island, New York where Jennifer Lopez is expected to give birth any day now. Obviously, it's a high profile birth and the last thing that healthcare bosses want is an insurance claim for a pair of missing twins, so staff are being diverted from non-essential duties such as saving lives and administering care to the seriously-ill in order to perform a series of drills to ensure the golden twins are safe.

When the catchy phrase 'Code Pink' is announced the whole building goes into lockdown, with no one allowed in or out no matter how ill or desperate for a smoke they are. A spokesman for the hospital confirmed that the 'Pink Drill' (catchy name) did indeed take place recently, but it had nothing to do with the impending arrival of Lopez and her skeletal beau Marc Anthony. No, it was just an utter co-incidence.

Of course it was. OK, it's the first time it has ever happened, but just sheer co-incidence that the plan to thwart possible kidnappings is brought in right now.

Lopez is reported to be delighted with the whole affair. After all, the 'Pink Drill' is responsible for making the babies in the first place and also for keeping them safe after their birth.