WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

If further proof was needed that al-Qaeda might have got it right when they said the US was completely morally bankrupt, it has emerged that Kevin Federline - a man so monumentally stupid he thought marrying Britney Spears would make his awful rap palatable to the public - has been deemed this year's best father. So in tribute to this we've put together a list of the WORST FATHERS EVER. We think you'll agree with our choices.

That's right, it seems that being a brilliant father now only entails being slightly less mental than your estranged wife.

The fact that K-Fed was honoured by a Las Vegas club - perhaps the last place you'd look for the world's best dads - won't stop the award going to his head. We're already contemplating stabbing chop sticks into our ears at the prospect of Kevin's album of lullabies.

Never ones to be bitter, we knocked up a list of the worst ever dads.

• 1. K-Fed. Fathering kids with a mentally unbalanced lady who is basically unemployable is never the best idea
• 2. Fred West. Jordan's favourite serial killer let his girlfriend murder his adopted daughter while he was in prison and then knocked off his ex-wife. Fifteen years later, he also killed another of his offspring. No father of the year mug for you then
• 3. Woody Allen. Married the adopted daughter of ex-wife Mia Farrow. How he wasn't her stepfather has never been explained. Like why he's been allowed to carry on making movies since 'Manhattan'
• 4. Dwight Yorke. Denied he was the father of Jordan's sprog until confronted with a DNA test. He doesn't have any contact with Harvey
• 5. Eddie Murphy. Not only did the motor mouthed actor repeatedly deny he was the father of Scary Spice's baby but he also ruined the lives of millions of other kids by making Norbit, Daddy Day Care and The Adventures of Pluto Nash
• 6. Joe Simpson. Fathering the vacant miming monstrosities of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson was a low, but then profiting from your own daughter's stupidity by making a TV show about her doomed marriage was the icing on the cake
• 7. Alec Baldwin. The undisputed king of the Baldwin clan went off at his daughter after she failed to answer her phone, calling her a "thoughtless, rude little pig". She was 12.
• 8. Michael Jackson. Where do we start? The balcony? The facemasks? Calling one Prince Michael Jackson II? When South Park mocks your parenting you know you must be doing something right.
• 9. Gavin Rossdale. The wailing Bush singer didn't even know that he was actually the father of model Daisy Lowe. That fact he'd nailed her mum nine months before the birth should have been the first clue.
• 10. Josef Fritzl. Top marks for the basement prison and the incest.

So there's another award for you, K-Fed, you weasel. Why don't you put it on your mantelpiece. On second thoughts, stick it up your ass.