BLYTHE SPIRIT

Now if anyone should know about the state of the marriage between Gwyneth Paltrow and Spider from Coronation Street… sorry, Chris Martin from Coldplay, then it's Gwyneth's mother, the wonderfully named Blythe Danner. And she says all is fine, that they have fantastic children and that there are fairies at the bottom of the garden, so who are we to disbelieve her?

Danner spoke to US Weekly magazine at a film premiere and assured the world that all is well in the Martin household, apart from her only eating sawdust and him singing in the bath in a melancholy fashion.

"Good god, it's just so tragic that people have to make up stuff," she said, dressed as a clown and riding a unicycle through a flaming hoop before reaching into her mouth and producing a string upon which fluttered the flags of all nations.

"I've never seen two happier parents - or people - so I don't get it."

She's never seen two happier people that Chris and Gwyneth? Fuck me, she really should get out more! And what of the lovely children, Apple and Ipod?

"They're pretty fabulous. Yesterday my little grandson says, 'Don't go! Don't go!' You just don't get that kind of love from everybody."

Wow! I'm choking up here. Has there ever been a more expansive declaration of love than 'Don't Go'? Maybe Blythe had just told him that she was off to see Coldplay in concert?