GWYN PUT A SMILE UPON YOUR FACE

Obviously, attending Madonna's fundraiser for Malawi has had a profound effect on actress Gwyneth Paltrow as she now seems to be edging closer to adopting a child with her husband, Coldplay tune-avoider Chris Martin. Down-to-Earth Gwyneth attended the UNICEF bash at the UN Headquarters in New York, and whether or not Madonna had a sly word in her ear about baby availability, she seems upbeat about the prospect of more kids around the house.

"People who have a lot also often feel like they have a lot to give," she said, neatly ignoring the fact that means that the pair need (and should) never work again, for the good of children everywhere.

"I have a good friend who always says that if you're a person of means at all, then you have to adopt because there are so many kids in the world who need homes."

Well I have a good friend who says that people with so much money should be charged even higher tax so that the extra revenue can be used to keep the children in a better standard of living and that tax breaks can be given to those less wealthy who want to adopt, rather than allowing the process to be a plaything for the obscenely wealthy. Mind you, my friend also believes that all bald men are evil, so what does he know?

Adoption doesn't happen overnight, though. Obviously there will be nannies to interview, the decor of the bedroom will depend on the complexion of the baby and an appropriately ridiculous name will have to be devised.

And this will have to be a mentally-tough baby. Can you imagine the horror of Chris Martin's sad face hanging over the edge of your cot and singing mournful lullabies? Shiver...