Colon, No

Colon McLoughlin once told the world (aka readers of Closer magazine) that she likes tights. "I love tights! All tights! I have purple tights, grey tights, black tights." Yes, really. Since this revelation, Colon has also had many other very important thoughts. Like this new one that she's guffed out: why doesn't she put together a nice little book telling her very privileged real, real friends like Carly, who works down the chippy, how to act in front of her real real friends like that Posh Spice, who does the square root of arse? You know, to save embarrassment and all.

YES, REALLY!

Mobile phones and cameras will be confiscated and purple and pink books telling guests how to act will be handed out. Oh, and a nice book with pictures of Colon's gob and eyes will be given as a gift. That's a nice book of Colon's eyes and mouth in exchange for your dignity Mr and Mrs Commoner, of Prole St, Pauper town.

And just who are among these illustrious guests who Colon's civvy friends are being prepped for? Dame Judy? Madonna?

No, some ex-members of Atomic fucking Kitten.