GLAMOUR URINE EXTRACTION SUCKERS NATION SURELY

I've had a bit of a busy day, but really that was no excuse for missing this.
So as you can see and have heard, the Glamour Women of the blah blah awards took place in London last night. You'd be forgiven for thinking that anyone but Lily Allen with her please-don't-look-at-me-please-look-at-me hairdo turned up, got drunk and had to be carried into a car.

Look at this for a mockery of a winners list...

1. Film actress of the year: Kate Beckinsale. That's Kate Beckinsale, ladies and gentlemen. According to imdb.com she only released two films last year - Snow Angel and Vacancy, both of which are due to be given away with Take a Break as an apology to readers who missed out on having a tramp push them to the floor shit on their face at some point in their miserable lives. LUCKY SHE TURNED UP #1!
2. Presenter of the year: Fearne Cotton. She presented the Xtra Factor on ITV2. And got sacked for being rubbish. LUCKY SHE TURNED UP #2!
3. TV personality of the year: Dannii Minogue - OK. We'll give them that one.
4. International musician of the year: Beth Ditto. 1 overplayed song. Rhianna can go fuck off with her multiple million selling worldwide No.1 singles. Could she be bothered to tip up to a tent in the centre of London? Could she bollocks. In which case LUCKY SHE ROLLED UP #3!
5. Band of the year: Spice Girls. If there was an award for least successful comeback record, they'd still lose out to Peter Sutcliffe's 'If I 'ad an 'ammer'. Filled the O2 for a few nights though and sent the Hen Party business crashing into administration. LUCKY THEY HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO #4!
6. Film-maker of the year: Jane Goldman. This is an award ceremony for women. As any fule no, Jane Goldman was the ONLY successful female film-maker last year. LUCKY SHE TURNED UP #5!
7. Theatre actress of the year: Kelly Osbourne. Apparently, Miriam Margolyes was going to win for the award winning Wicked, but unfortunately couldn't help sell a free beach towel covermount and her mum doesn't present Asda adverts. And she wasn't there. LUCKY HER PARENTS HAD HER AND SHE TURNED UP #6!
8. Radio personality of the year: Jo Whiley. This can easily be explained by the fact that the judges must have all been deaf from birth and have a soft spot for spotting a hit record a day after it enters the charts at No.2. Was she there? Yes She WAS! LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY #7
9. Aussie hair care newcomer: Hayden Panettiere. I don't even understand what Australians were doing getting involved. They had no business there.

Poor old Annie Lennox. If only she'd tur.. Hold on...AAAARRRGGGHHH MUMMY!