BLACK-EYED PEES

Shy, demure Fergie, singer with the Black-Eyed Peas and the woman with the smallest forehead in show business (beaten only to the world title by Steven Gerrard) has finally come clean about the time she appeared on stage, danced around and left with sore, chapped thighs after an unscheduled toilet break mid-performance.

The singer, clearly no stranger to comedy as she describes herself as 32, seemed less than giggly at being asked about the incident by Blender.

"You haven't had to go straight onstage after being late for a show, then jumped up and down while singing 'Let's Get Retarded'. OK, motherfucker?" Well, to be fair, not many people can boast that particular list of qualities on their CV, can they? Though most of us, if asked to do similar, would probably not release the contents of their bladder down their legs immediately afterwards either.

"I was late, so I didn't go to the restroom before I went onstage. It was horrible. But, whatever. It happened," whined pop's Paula Radcliffe, grateful that a number two wasn't on the cards. Perhaps that's the encore.

"It's like there's one or two things the public knows about every famous person... with me, everyone knows I wet my pants onstage and had a crystal-meth addiction; that sucks. You have to laugh."

Yes, you have to laugh, and if the two facts that everyone knows about you involve piss and meth addiction, a third fact sure to follow is that this career isn't heading in the right direction.