SHALLOW KNAVE

Ewan McGregor (star of 'Brassed Off', lest ye forget) has declared that he is greatly influenced by Daniel Day-Lewis, who by all accounts is one of those 'proper actors' (you know, the types who don't dick around Africa on motorbikes with fat-lipped mates for publicity).

"Daniel Day-Lewis has got under my skin in thinking about the job I do," said Ewan, counting his huge wads of money yet realising that there is something missing from his life.

Maybe something like job satisfaction, or dignity? Or a milk round?

"There's a depth to his work that means I've got a long way to go," quoth the 'star' of Shallow Grave, his eyes spiralling upwards to that 'difficult' mole on his forehead and wondering if he could blame his wasted career on the graceless lump between his eyes. The one that isn't his nose.

"He works rarely and they're always interesting choices that he makes. I'm quite easy to please. There are scripts that come my way where other people will go 'eeew, no', but I'll say, 'I think it's quite good.'"

Come on, Ewan, are we anywhere near to solving this problem yet? Yes, Daniel Day-Lewis is a great actor, but he also doesn't take the first job he's offered (or indeed the first pretentious and embarrassing aftershave advert). Maybe you could just buy a 'shit-filter'?

Having said that, I would have loved to see Day-Lewis reprise his 'Bill The Butcher' role from 'Gangs Of New York', but in the 'Star Wars' films.

"These aren't the droids you're looking for. And I can smell your cunny juice, Lord Vader, ya prick!"