UTTER SHITE, HAWKE

Imagine you're a famous film star, living in the lap of luxury. Nice idea, isn't it? Then up the ante by imagining that on top of this you're actually married to Uma Thurman, despite the fact you have features like a constipated rat squatting over a grid in the street. Not enough? OK, imagine you also have children with Uma, even before she did 'Kill Bill' and got a bit old-looking.

You wouldn't want to endanger this dream life, would you? Unless you're Ethan Hawke that is, who not only cheated on Uma Thurman but went as far as to leave her and their children for the fat-faced nanny who looks as though she is made of dough with currants for eyes.

Though naturally (according to Hawke) he and Ryan Shawhughes only got together AFTER he and Uma split up, and there was nothing going on whilst she was in charge of looking after the children. Honestly.

And yesterday, reader, he married her. The utter fucking idiot. Well best wishes to the pair of shoddy, shameless fools, and to their baby on the way.

Ethan has made about two good films in his whole career. Let's hope they grossed enough to keep him and his new wife in a quality lifestyle, which isn't something that will concern Uma and Arpad Busson, her multi-billionaire fiancé. It's no country for poor young men, after all.