THE LADY IS A VAMP

Dita Von Teese has revealed some of her beauty tips, and surprisingly they consist of more than covering yourself in eggshell emulsion and smothering it with talcum powder. No, her big advice (and this is a huge surprise) is to stay away from the sun.

"I never go sunbathing. My worst fear is looking down and seeing brown, wrinkly cleavage."

Mine too. She goes on...

"It will get white and wrinkly, but there is no need to rush it."

Mmm, thanks for that image, Dita. I'm surprised she'd admit to growing old as I was pretty certain she was undead anyway. What sort of person (apart from a vampire) would take their own curtains on holiday to stop shafts of sunlight getting in and making them explode?

"I have brought my own curtains to the hotel to stop the sun getting in, and I have only used the hotel pool at night."

Hey, a swimming pool doesn't count as running water, so she's safe enough. Dita can take all the precautions she wants, but most people would prefer to have sex with a slightly-tanned person with wrinkles rather than someone who looks like the mortician has just stepped away from her wiping his hands. Wouldn't they?