LESS OF MOORE

Personal trainer Robb Parr has decided to mess up his career totally and write a book about how he whipped various celebrities into shape, through his sheer utter genius, naturally, and nothing to do with the hours of work they put in down the gym. Parr describes himself as 'The personal trainer to the stars'. Not for much longer, you'd imagine.

Disguising his tittle-tattle in the form of an exercise manual, Parr just happens to mention the full details of the stars' bodies before and after he worked his ego-ridden magic upon them. First for the rip and tell-all treatment is Demi Moore, whom he transformed from a woman into a Real Doll with muscles like stuffed condoms in 'Striptease'.

"[Demi] lacked a defined waist, carried too much meat on her thighs, and was, by movie-star standards, thick overall. To taper her waist, we decided to accentuate her shoulders, creating a V-shape. We trimmed her thighs, shaving off some of the excess fat from above her knees, and accentuated her butt, further emphasizing her waist."

Mmm. V-shaped shoulders and shaved knees - just what I like in a woman. He also has a pop at Madonna's 'soft' body (aren't bodies supposed to be soft?) and even poor Naomi Watts, who looked pretty stunning in '21 Grams' even before Parr introduced her to his sleeveless muscle shirts and baggy gym trousers. No, according to Parr, Naomi was...

"Fleshy, and we needed to trim and tighten so that she would fit the mould of a bikini-clad babe".

Let's hope this book sells extremely well for Robb Parr, because there's no fucking way any celebrity will be exposing their rippling arse to him in the future.