LONG AND WHINING ROAD

At last a date has been set for the final hearing in the bitter court battle between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. The final ruling will take place on March 17, which fittingly is St Patrick's Day, bearing in mind the amount of Blarney that Heather has come out with since the case began.

Lucky Heather is one step (leave it) closer to gracefully sinking back into the anonymity she so obviously craves. Yes, I'm sure we'll never hear from the shy, retiring charity worker ever again, once she receives her payout.

Maybe she's worked hard for the money, but would you sleep with Paul McCartney for four years in return for a multi-million payout? I personally would welcome his orgasm eyebrows with open arms and a fixed grin whilst thinking about the big crown I'd buy at the end.

The judge will decide custody of their daughter Beatrice and exactly how much Heather should receive of the piddling £820m Paul keeps under the bed. Will she get £20m? £80m? Could all the money in the world be enough to keep her out of the spotlight for eternity? If only any gagging order could be imposed in the most literal way.