THE ACCOLADE HUNTER

Strewth! Steve Irwin, the man who enthralled the planet by going up to animals in their natural habitat and annoying the hell out of them for TV, has been posthumously awarded a professorship by the University of Queensland, which obviously has drawers full of the things and are eager to get rid before the next audit.

"Crikey!" exclaimed his widow, expressing her delight, but also the regret that Steve died with one ambition unfilled, namely to work as a barman for a few months in London, which all the rest of his nation seem to have a go at.

Steve (who spent a lifetime taunting big ferocious animals and was finally killed by a fish with no teeth) died in November 2006, which is bad news for students seeking advice or pastoral care at the University of Queensland, because if they approach their professor for help, he will be rather too dead to assist.