NO PECS PLEASE, WE'RE BRITISH

Leather-faced laugh-fest Daniel Craig has decided to keep his chest well-covered in the next Bond film, clearly feeling that the sight of his rippling muscles took people's attention away from the serious issues being explored in the film - such as shooting people and running about on cranes.

Naturally, his Bond will be rather more serious than in the past, because Bond films have always been an intense psychological journey into the mind of a damaged man rather than an excuse to show flashy gadgets and make fanny jokes.

Well no more, dammit! This is a serious Bond, and only an artist like Daniel (who is increasingly beginning to resemble the shovel-faced one from Robson and Jerome) can give the role the proper gravitas.

Even Swiss director Marc Forster is getting in on the po-faced and way-too-serious act, revealing his plans for a darker Bond movie to come.

"If Bond goes to the beach with palm trees, it's almost banal now. The only interesting journey remains the journey inwards, deep into the psyche."

Yes, yes that's right. The fascinating journey into the psyche, which producers will no doubt demand makes a couple of stops at Gadget City and Fanny Name Central, otherwise no one will be making the journey to the cinema to watch it.