GRIMEWATCH

Surprisingly, the inhabitants of St. John's Wood in London are delighted that Kate Moss has moved into their neighbourhood. Since the supermodel moved into her £8m mansion there, it appears that crime rates have dropped dramatically, though the pretentious twat ratio has risen to unacceptable levels.

The Camden New Journal (your first stop for all that crucial Hawley Arms updates) has been bragging about official police statistics showing that the rate of general lawlessness has fallen.

This is probably due to the fact that burglars are cautious about operating in an area which tends to have around 400 paparazzi per square foot at any given moment, hoping to catch a picture of Moss walking along, looking thin and unwashed or showing affection to her daughter (the Holy Grail for any photographer, seeing as it probably doesn't exist).

Now there's a dilemma. Live with the threat of your house being ransacked or have Kate Moss and her horde of braying acolytes living around the corner? Which to choose? Which to choose?

The money is in a shoe box under the bed and there's a spare remote control for the DVD in the living room drawer. Don't make too much of a mess, eh lads?



Picture taken 16/01/2008 outside Punk club in Soho, London. Therefore, fair game.