SOUND OF THE UNDERCLASS

Gorgeous pouting Cheryl Cole has confessed that back in the day she was a bit of a chav. Surely not? A woman who gets into a fight with a toilet attendant in a club might not be the most refined social creature? I don't believe it!

I may not know many things in life, but I'm an excellent judge of character. Ashley Cole is one of the wittiest men in the world, a fine raconteur and bon viveur and very much the Stephen Fry of the football world, so there's no way he would possibly marry so far beneath himself. Still, Cheryl persists with her claims to be a common little oik with poor breeding.

"When I was younger I was a proper chav," she insists, "I used to love tracksuits. I'd be like, 'yeah, I got a new trackie.'" Well, I'm like, yeah? I totally don't believe that this perfect English rose, the Helena Bonham Carter of the music industry could be anything other than totally refined, yeah?

So what if fame had not come knocking and as a result she hadn't married the most obnoxious footballer in England, and simply been a nobody on an overspill estate?

"If we weren't doing this, we'd be on the checkout at Tesco," she said, no doubt to the delight of the other Girls Aloud. At least she's honest. An honest, badly-tattooed, orange tanned chav with a criminal record.