MONEY AND CHER

Cher, pop star and grand-daughter of the Pharoah Rameses II, retired from touring in 2005 but has confirmed that she will be taking to the stage once again. She will perform a series of concerts in Caesar's Palace, Las Vegas starting in May and continuing until October, and maybe even longer if demand to see her shrivelled form rock to and fro across the stage is sufficient. She may even stay longer if her old friend (and theatre founder) Caesar attends.

There are unconfirmed rumours that the four shows per week will be split between the current Cher and a creature created from body parts removed from the original singer during plastic surgery, though if this is true then the creature will have at least three necks and a bikini line approaching the shoulders.

Cher is obviously delighted about the huge amounts of money that she will to be back performing live again. She clearly can't stop smiling. Whether that's the money or the fact that the flesh behind her ears is tight enough to launch spacecraft is another question. Anyway, the live show promises to be a real extravaganza, as Cher boasted to USA Today.

"Getting the whole thing in book form, in pictures, has taken months. Our set moves down from the ceiling, in from the sides, up from the floor. We have screens in the foreground, the center and the back. We can change a city into a forest in two seconds. You'll see a different stage for every song."

Perhaps all of which visual trickery will divert attention away from the rattling bag of calcium tottering around the stage lip-synching and attempting to appear interested whilst thinking about vast piles of dollar bills.