THERON GUY FOR HER

Screaming straight to the top of the charts for the 'Idiot Of the Year' awards is Stuart Townshend, long time partner of actress Charlize Theron, who doesn't appear to realise that he has a pretty special station in life (as one of the luckiest sods around). Charlize points out that he hardly ever pays her compliments, even after she won an Oscar. What a dashing gentleman.

"The morning after the Oscars, I said to Stuart, 'Breakfast!' And he said to me, 'Get up! I'm not making you breakfast just because you've won an Academy Award!'"

What the fuck does she have to do to make this shite-hawk make breakfast for her? A Nobel Prize? If my partner passed her Cycling Proficiency Test I'd probably whip up a boiled egg and some soldiers, so what does the beautiful actress see in him?

"Stuart is down to earth and he knows what's important in life."

Not for much longer if he carries on acting like an utter idiot. I give it six months before he's crying into his cornflakes and selling his story to the glossy magazines about being left behind by his fickle partner.