LOW SHOTS, PART TROIS

Seconds out, it's round three in the battle of the century in the custody bout between Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife Denise Richards. The winner takes their two children. These two heavyweights have been warily circling each other for a while, sending out the odd jab through their lawyers, but the contest has finally erupted into action.

Round One to Charlie, after he claimed that his ex-wife is still so obsessed with him that she has begged him for a sample of his magnificent sperm so that she can spawn more Sheenlings.

Round Two was won by Denise, who pointed out Charlie's gambling and drug problems, as well as his fondness for prostitutes. She even threw a low blow by claiming that his fondness for younger girls meant that their daughter shouldn't be allowed to stay with him overnight.

Charlie has come out swinging for Round Three, and it's a magnificent sight. Here's an extract from an e-mail he sent to his ex-wife, according to Fox News:

"You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go fuck yourself, sad, jobless pig."

I thought the 'sad' and 'jobless' bits came across perfectly, don't you? But look out, here comes Charlie's low blow, concerning Richards' mother who has just gone through cancer treatment.

"Go cry to your bald mom, you loser."

Ouch. Charlie's ahead on points, but there's plenty of action left in this fight yet. Sit back and enjoy.