JASON AND THE LARGER NORKS

It wasn't because he was a millstone around her neck in Hollywood circles, his paperweight acting skills and wandering accent detracting attention away from her huge talent and even huger lollipops. Oh no! It was because they were both embroiled in the whole celebrity lifestyle, honestly.

"Jason's career was also blossoming and it was difficult for us to see as much of each other as we would have liked," said Kelly, frowning furiously as she tried to get the hang of this getting-words-in-the-right-order concept.

"Like so many other couples it soon became clear that our relationship was faltering at the hands of the Hollywood lifestyle," she went on, failing to mention the fact that she is now engaged to actor Billy Zane, a balding grunting Neanderthal with nice eyes and more money.

Still, Kelly's career is on the up and she can currently be seen on 'Strictly Come Dancing', attempting to move around a stage without overbalancing.

Jason on the other hand, will always be known as the 'Snatch actor', which is a frankly horrible insult and offensive to women.

Let's refer to him as the 'Bollocks actor' from now on.