I'M HOT, FAT, INNOCENT?

The always excellent TMZ.com have revealed more details of that crazy night when Britney Spears locked herself in her bathroom with her terrified children and refused to come out, despite the police, ambulance services and a man from the RAC (who was lost) standing outside her door and pleading for her to see sense. According to her PA, Britney had been popping vitamin pills all day, which makes the presence of an empty bottle of Prozac in the bedroom all the more worrying. Oh, and the sight of bite marks on son Jayden James's body, though Britney claims she is innocent and the marks were caused by her other son whilst his dad was looking after the pair...

When Britney did emerge she did so wearing just a pair of knickers. After some horrified gazing, the police managed to persuade her to put on a dress, which unfortunately was completely see-through. A trained negotiator was brought in to attempt to get a jumper over those big old shoulders, but this was a concession too far for Britney.

"Don't cover me up. I'm f**king hot," she cried, fanning herself and rushing to the air conditioner and putting it on full. Police later described her as incoherent, though she seems to be making pretty good sense to me.

"What the f**k are you doing in my house?" and "I don't need your f**king help" are exactly the phrases that I would use if I found my house full of police. Anyway, full details should be emerging today when the policemen present will be available to give evidence at the latest custody hearing, though they're more likely to be smirking and winking at Britney than offering any verbal evidence.

I love Britney! With her truly crazy behaviour, she's my kind of mentalist. It's just a shame she didn't go the whole hog and get driven away OJ style in the back of a pickup truck, waving her lils in the air for the news helicopters to see.