WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

There's no doubt that Britney Spears' life has become less complicated since her father Jamie began to take an active interest in his daughter's behaviour. And less interesting for the rest of us. Last Friday Britney attended a glamourous party at an LA motor museum with three hot dates: her father and two minders. She didn't drink, didn't smile and left after an hour and a half, much to the disappointment of the waiting paparazzi (and the bar staff who were hoping for some outrageous tips).

Luckily, people.com had a busybody on site to record the full thrilling details of Britney's latest night out, and to be honest, it makes pretty grim reading.

"Jamie Spears joined his daughter, sitting on a couch about five feet away with his head resting on his hands.

"Spears stayed about an hour and a half, smoking cigarettes on an outside patio, nodding her head to a live performance from Macy Gray, and abstaining from alcohol. When she left for the evening, her father joined her."

She may be physically healthier, but is she happier? I once had a tomcat who was a mental little idiot, forever getting into scrapes, coming home bloodied and battered and spending most nights out carousing, making babies and generally having more fun than me. Naturally, he was taken to the vet and his balls were removed. And after this? Dull. He sat around all day, very occasionally walked around the garden but he was basically a zombie. I think he still lives in the house somewhere, so if Jamie Spears is reading this, do you want another one?