OOPS, I... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Well, yesterday was D-Day for Britney Spears. You know, the massive court hearing about which she was warned by her lawyers that she absolutely must attend or be certain of losing her children? Guess what? This is getting too easy now, isn't it? Yes, she didn't quite make it.

Ex-husband Kevin Federline managed to haul his ugly, lazy arse into the courtroom for 9am, half an hour early, even sporting a new Mohican hairstyle for the occasion, something sure to impress a crusty old judge. Unfortunately, as the minutes ticked by, there was no sign of the 'troubled' singer. In fact, she missed the whole of the morning session in the custody battle, as the court staff sat in furious silence twiddling their thumbs and polishing their gavels before breaking for lunch.

Court resumed in the afternoon and Britney appeared at 1pm, a mere three and a half hours late (hey, it takes a while to put on make-up that scarily, you know), climbing down into the pack of photographers from a large SUV. At last, here was her chance to put her side of the case and bring the children back to their rightful home! Well, not quite.

"Move back, I'm scared. Stop it. Stop it. I want to get back in the car. Just stop it. Let me get in the car, please!" she cried before telling her attorney she didn't want to testify then getting back in the car and driving off for some lunch and a visit to a church.

Face it, she's not really trying, is she? If she was fighting over custody of a couple of beers and a bottle of Vicodin she would have vaulted the crowd and crashed in through the windows. Will she turn up tomorrow? Will there be free vodka? Who knows? She may have finally exploded by then.