THE SPYING LAME

Auditions for the show 'Britain's Got Talent' were suspended for hours yesterday after technical problems with the sound and video playback. The problem was found some time later when a bugging device was found under the judging panel's table, with the spy obviously hoping to hear the comments of judges Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan.

Quite why anyone would want to eavesdrop on the acidic comments of this trio is beyond me. After all, those auditioned on the day at Manchester's Palace Theatre included fire-eaters and acrobats, so it's hardly 'The Bourne Ultimatum' is it?

The producers believe that an investigative journalist was to blame. Hmm, not really likely is it, that the front pages will be held for a story like '"Juggler was utterly shit", says Cowell - Exclusive'?

Luckily, the Greater Manchester Police rolled out their finest detectives and an arrest was soon made. The modern-day Mancunian Sherlock Holmes-es released the following statement:

"While officers were at the theatre investigating this incident, they were asked by theatre management to advise a 45-year-old man that he would be ejected because he had unauthorised access. The man's details were checked and he was arrested in connection with a speeding offence."

Brilliant. He's being charged with loitering too fast! Anyway, why would anyone be checking up on this particular panel of judges, and can Les Dennis account for his actions over the last 48 hours?