BRAND OF BOTHER

Surprisingly, Victoria and David Beckham's his-and-her fragrance, 'Intimately Beckham Night', has failed to set the US alight, smouldering briefly before whimpering away with a hint of shame and a distinctive high tone of disgrace.

Despite a huge amount of advertising, promising the glamour of the Beckhams (a pig-nosed skeleton with implants and a permanently injured waxwork?), the $38 scent is now appearing regularly on eBay with massive winning bids of 75 cents to date.

Could it be that the shock and bore tactics have failed to crack America? It certainly appears so, as Victoria's designer jeans are proving too tacky even for Americans to drape over their arses. If you have one cent to spare, you can snap a pair up on eBay, as one lucky high bidder has demonstrated.

"I imagine no one's buying off eBay because they are buying all the products they want from the shops," insisted a Beckham spokesman, before trundling away in his Sinclair C5, shouting that Betamax is here to stay.