MY FAMILY (I WISH)

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are the best parents in the world, and that's official. Not a word of irony, it's totally true. Their household is an absolutely superb place to grow up, and that's not even counting the wonderful milky feeds which must take place.

Star magazine has revealed the secrets of the Jolie-Pitt childcare manual and have taken the unusual step of not making the whole thing up but instead interviewing a former nanny of the couple (who may or may not be making it up). And though it seems the intention was to portray the pair as bad or out-of-control parents, the opposite comes across.

Their household sounds like a brilliant place to be a child, a bit like Willy Wonka's factory but with better teeth and less dwarves.

The kids all have a bath at night and throw water everywhere! Brilliant - I love doing that, especially if there's a servant to clean up. They have dart-gun battles - what could be more fun (apart from nail gun battles)? They scream as loud as they like, all the time, WHICH IS BRILLIANT ALSO! The kids eat pizza and chocolate for breakfast. I want to be adopted.

Despite the fact that none of them can understand Maddox (who only speaks French) they have a range of languages under their tiny belts - C'est formidable! And they're such a close family that every single one of the blighters will be in the delivery room and staring up Angelina's flue when she gives birth.

Add this to the claim by the nanny that the pair still skinny-dip together in the pool each night and it's a done deal. I'd be quite happy do die and come back as a wasp as long as this pair adopt me and let me buzz around all day. In fact, you could swat me after watching the skinny-dipping, I'll die happy.