Houston, I Have A Problem

You can say what you like about Bobby Brown, but he gives great television. Strap a camera to his head and mike up his jabbering mouth 24 hours a day and he could have a whole channel to himself and provide enough case studies to keep psychiatrists working away for the next million years.

He revealed on his ITV documentary (if you can call a man's brain slowly trying to escape through his ears and nose a 'documentary') that he still lives in fear and dreads awakening to find Osama Bin Laden standing at the foot of his bed and sporting an AK-47 and an erection.

"Osama Bin Laden wanted me dead. He was in love with Whitney. He wanted to make her one of his wives." Surely Bobby can relax now he is divorced from the equally-frazzled singer? Not at all.

"I feared for my life. I'm still on my guard."

Yes, I can just imagine Osama's 'to do' list for this week.

1. Destroy the infidel invaders in Iraq and Afghanistan 
2. Promote the cause of global terrorism and Jihad 
3. Kill Whitney's ex. He has ruined her looks and drained her talent 
4. Undergo daily kidney dialysis in a cave 
5. Sign the online petition to keep Paris Hilton in jail.