NAD TILL YOU'RE OLDER

Stuttering redneck-wannabe Billy Bob Thornton has decided that he doesn't want his four children watching his lauded performance in 'Monster's Ball', not even his eldest daughter - who is an impressionable wee 27-year-old.

"I have never let any of my kids see 'Monster's Ball'. Even when they're 60 they can't. I want to leave it in my will that they can never see it."

Ah, would that be because of the horrific suicide scene? The racist father? The badly treated fat child in the movie? Or perhaps that sex scene with Halle Berry, which left very little to the imagination?

Relax Billy, there's one sure way to stop them watching the film. Just sit them down and explain that you're in it. If that doesn't work, explain that there's a possibility they may see their dad's nutsack swinging backward and forward in the breeze and looking like a pair of conkers in a wrinkled old polythene bag.

Mind you, it could be worse. They could sit down and watch you in the awful 'Pushing Tin'. That'd knock them sick for sure.