VICE WARRIOR

Billie Piper is concerned that young fans of 'Doctor Who' will tune in to her new series 'Belle de Jour', the story of a high class prostitute, and discover that the TARDIS isn't the only thing in the universe that is bigger on the inside.

I'm sure that this is a genuine concern and not just an attempt to drum up more column (ahem) inches before the programme aunches. Judging by the posts we've had about this series, if the nation could organise a sponsored wank on the broadcast day of September 27, then world famine would be a thing of the past.

Billie has already shown that she can talk the talk, by coquettishly purring:

"I thought longer and harder about taking on this role than I had about any other."

I bet she did, but she still harbours concerns about such a dramatic leap from Time Lord to pork sword.

"The kids who watched me in 'Doctor Who' shouldn't watch me in this," she panted. Quite right too. Imagine embarrassed parents having to point out that the appendage on screen isn't a sonic screwdriver - and explain the difference between K-9 and K-Y.