SHOW ME THE MONEY!

Rumours abound that the Beckhams are planning to re-infest the UK with their tawdry presence, but it seems that the reason for their interest in a return home may be more financial than a longing for HP sauce and cans of Tizer. Poor David only 'earns' a paltry £25m a year for sitting on the bench at LA Galaxy, wincing and saying "No, it's still a bit sore. Maybe next week." But he would be glad if someone were to buy him out of this horrible contract and re-install him back in the UK on vastly over-inflated wages. Are you listening, Kevin Keegan?

Well, that's what OK! magazine are saying. Also, Victoria's denim range dVb (the only haute couture logo that actually looks like a withered cock and balls) isn't going particularly well, or as a retailer told the magazine...

"It's done about $15 million in retail when it was expected to have done $50 million by now."

Just not good enough. Far better to spit the dummy and run home, knowing that there are countless cash opportunities to be had over here (unless they can wangle that dream move to Saudi Arabia). Surely there must come a point when the pair look at their vast fortune and realise that they don't need to sell themselves any more and just fade away peacefully?

Unfortunately, it's just not in their nature. They truly are the magpies of the celebrity world, running after anything that glitters. Or perhaps, more accurately, they move into a market, saturate it for all it is worth and then move onto a more plentiful source, like a cash-hungry virus. Welcome home, you beautiful people.