RED-FACED BARRON

In a move sure to shame his family, spoilt brat Barron Hilton has admitted his guilt over a drink-driving charge and therefore avoided going to jail like his big sister Paris. The privately-educated sub-genius was arrested in February for driving under the influence and tried to avoid arrest by showing a fake ID, despite the fact he is from one of the most famous families on the planet.

The bright side is that he is on three years' probation, and a man with such a tiny brain is sure to mess up within three months, nevermind years, so there may be another chance to see him in some fetching orange overalls yet. His licence was taken away for one year as well, but the punishment isn't over yet.

Firstly, he must attend three months of an alcohol education class, though judging by the sample he provided he knows a fair bit about the subject already. Finally, he must attend the LA County Morgue. Presumably this is so some cruel pathologist can point at a car crash victim and deliver a lecture (or maybe it's just to give him nightmares – which, face it, is a brilliant punishment).

He'll be alright. He'll have seen much worse sights growing up with his cadaverous sister.