MATR-EMO-NY

Saturday, May 17. It's a nice day for a black wedding, because that's when Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will glumly tie the knot and sigh that they'll be together forever (whilst rolling their eyes and tutting). Us magazine is reporting that the couple will wed in a secret location, though we can probably rule out a sun-kissed Caribbean beach.

Invites have not been sent out. Instead the guests have been given a 'save the date notice' to ensure they are available and not in crimping their hair or down at the Student Union drinking snakebite and black.

There will be a rehearsal dinner for close family and on Saturday guests will be transported to a secret location by specially-arranged gloomy shuttles.

No doubt there's a Transylvanian honeymoon arranged, after which the couple will live miserably ever after. A wiser man that I once asked, "Why do you never see a pregnant Goth?"

Well, if the rumours are true then the reason for the impulsive wedding is that a baby is on the way, so maybe we'll get to see Ashlee and Pete's own little Edward Scissorhands peering sullenly from the front page of a glossy magazine.