EMO KID

It's clear that the latest Hollywood fashion is pregnancy, so therefore Ashlee Simpson simply had to become impregnated by her ill-looking lover Pete Wentz, an idiot with rubbish band Fall Out Boy. It's a truly sad day when even EMO kids are breeding.

The pair only got engaged last week, so the timing of the news is surprising. The couple has yet to admit that they have fertilised a moody egg with some lackadaisical sperm, but Us Weekly are claiming that it is true, so therefore it must be so. Wentz looks so frail that it's likely that he'd pass out after gaining an erection, so perhaps his devotion is to be applauded. Or maybe he thought about her sister Jessica while the act took place.

Either way, is there a little baby Goth on the way (can you actually use eyeliner on infants? If not that baby is really going to look out of place in the pictures)? It's just what the world needed: another skinny child with an attitude who hisses at sunlight and acts like a moody teenager even at six months old. And when's the baby due? When it's bloody ready, alright?

Pete Wentz has denied the rumours, managing to pull himself out of the slough of despond for long enough to send MTV a witty and self-deprecating email, saying:

"There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me. I can't wait for the story about how I'm really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. ... I mean really, this is crazy. ... I mean we're engaged, that's true, and happy about it."

My money's on her being pregnant and him being gay, then.