Kelly Airborne

How sad must you be to have Kelly Osbourne, a pile of cottage cheese in a goth wig, as one of your closest friends? Ask Amy Winehouse. She's just invited Kelly to the US to join her in a 'post-hen' party to celebrate her recent wedding to a blank, non-threatening canvas in a flat cap.

"You know what Amy is like when it comes to her love of partying," smirked Kelly as her calves melted into her sweaty ankles.

Amy is only inviting her closest female friends though, so it's sure to be a select 'do'. Yes, I'm gutted too, but I'll try to get over it by basking in the fact that I won't be there to hear the cackling and stirring of cauldrons.

"Amy hates a lot of fuss. She would never do the whole big white dress, walking down the aisle with her dad thing," added the talent void bag of lard.

She hates the 'fuss' of having her dad walk her down the aisle but is prepared to fly a bunch of loser celebrity friends out to party with her?

Amy, you are indeed no good.