NO SHOW WINO

As you've no doubt heard, Amy Winehouse has finally admitted defeat and bowed to the inevitable by cancelling the remaining eight dates for 2007 on her car-crash of a tour. She will now spend the rest of the year relaxing and having her orphan hair buffed, ready for recording her next album.

On her official website Amy has bemoaned "the rigours involved in touring" for the demise of her sanity, so nothing to do with the stuff in her bra she keeps sniffing, unless it's just flesh in there and she's really missing her husband.

Of course she's missing him! He brings a lot to the relationship. He cheats, takes drugs and is a bit of a bad boy, though what woman in the world wouldn't miss that impressive collection of wanky hats?

"I can't give it my all onstage without my Blake. I'm so sorry but I don't want to do the shows half-heartedly," said Amy, tears rolling down her face as seagulls and otters were plucked from the wrecked eyeliner and rushed away for a clean up.

"I love singing. My husband is everything to me and without him it's just not the same." On the bright side, she should be able to get a couple of albums of heartbreak material out of this year's events alone.

Anyway, good luck to her. She may be a wobbly-headed dickhead but at least she's got a real talent, unlike some other tortured artists with bad complexions, rotten teeth and a fondness for drugs, eh Pete?