ALEXANDER THE GREAT

Three cheers for Alexander McQueen. Not only is the British designer one of the best in the world at encouraging people with more money that sense to walk around wearing overpriced tat, he also appears to dislike Paris Hilton. There must be a knighthood in this for the man, surely?

Alexander is opening a new boutique in Los Angeles and the launch party is one of the hottest tickets in town, but one wonky-eyed celebrity who is not welcome is Paris Hilton, as Alexander does not appear to be a fan of the dashing and loveable heiress.

"If she comes past the shop, hopefully she will just keep walking. I don't really covet that sort of thing. I'm not too fond of these openings, I find them quite superficial. The people who wear McQueen wear it because they want to wear it, not because it's the new thing in town."

Back in the knife drawer, Mr Sharp! Anyway, it's not as if any designer would want to have their clothes hanging from the skeletal frame of Paris, as her massive head hovers just above the neckline. McQueen's ideal guest at the party is surprising, not least because she tends to wear sleeveless t-shirts, all the better to show off her tattoos and latest bout of self-harming.

"I wanted Amy to come over and perform but she is having visa problems. I have asked another huge star to sing, but I can't say who!"

How ridiculous, asking a star to perform when you can't even pronounce their name…