QUESTION!

Which UK model (in the loosest sense of the word, a model airplane would be closer) was spotted enjoying an Essex breakfast in some toilets?

The recipe for an Essex breakfast

1) Cocaine (1 gm, sieved into club flyer)

2) Nose (large)

Method:

Snort whilst backcombing hair. Wait five minutes and remove carefully from toilet before presenting to friends as a dressed up, mouthy twat.

Very Liberal Democrat

A mole writes:

"I used to be a policeman and worked under Brian Paddick in South London. One day Paddick's mother calls the police station in distress saying that Brian had had his bag stolen on CLAPHAM COMMON earlier and she couldn't get hold of him. No one knew where he was because HE WAS OFF WORK. Then that whole episode completely disappeared and the story of the nicked bag was never heard of again..."

Perhaps Kevin Spacey's dog nicked it...

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LIKE AN URCHIN

A mole was shocked, stunned and many, many other adjectives when walking down Abbey Road the other day. Who should they see being held out of a car taking a wee in the street with the help of his nanny? None other than David Banda, the boy Madonna is trying to adopt from Malawi.

We have used this story for two reasons. Firstly, he is Madonna's prospective adopted son, so therefore relatively appropriate for a gossip newsletter - but more importantly, it allowed Holy Moly HQ to make the important discovery that when looking for a headline combining a Madonna song and various wee/poo type words, you can simply take any song title and change one of the words to piss or poo. Look:

TRUE POO
TAKE A PISS
RAY OF PISS
EXPISS YOURSELF
EXCRETIONS ON THE STREETFLOOR (not strictly poo, but stick with it).
DROWNED WORLD (SUBSTITUTE FOR PISS)
POO A PRAYER
Etc.

Really Dark Meat

Spotted at a pub in London Bridge the other night:

British actors James Dreyfus, Reece Shearsmith and Nigel Harman knocking back shot after shot.

We aren't sure who drove Nigel's motorbike home though... it CAN'T have been him!

A mole who knows about penises tells me that Harman's cock is described as "not that long, but REALLY thick, and very dark meat".

Savour that sentence for a second... Really.Dark.Meat. WTF?

OBLIGATORY YOUTUBE CLIP

Now everyone's bored of the iPhone and been through at least two iPods, all in different colours, let us introduce:

The iPhone Shuffle

Speaking of iPhones, on the slim chance anyone reading this has an iPhone for sale, please get in touch. Like the twat that I am, I smashed the fucking thing the day the world sold out. *world fails to feel sorry for smug internet wanker with a broken iPhone* janitor@holymoly.co.uk

QUESTION!

Which divorced UK actor is currently playing daddies and daddies with his male assistant? It isn't illegal after all!

If you were an ex-EastEnder with literally fuck all to do except be an ex-EastEnder, what would you do to fill the time?

Well if you were Gary Beadle (Paul - the doctor's brother, whose only similarity to the doctor was the fact that they were black. BOX TICKED!) you would write a series of 'hilarious comedy sketches' for use on the internet - which seems to have the sole aim of putting Gary in a room with women in their lingerie. Seriously, watch it.

And try to find a clip that doesn't end up with him "shagging" a "bird".

A mole was at a wedding reception and described the site of Gary trying to cajole the entire party into a conga during the FIRST song as being the biggest 'testicle retractor' he has ever witnessed.

QUESTION!

Which celeb got chucked out of the launch of Proud Galleries in Camden after being caught doing coke in the bogs? Seems last week wasn't a one off.

There is a show currently being edited for ITV about people with unnatural attachments to inanimate objects.

It features a woman who is 'attracted to' the Eiffel Tower.

Apparently the highlight of the show is when she shows the camera a picture of her straddling it (me neither, presumably just rubbing up against it) at which point she turns to the camera and says - "see that, that's a real cum face".

That'll solve the viewer crisis!

TRUFAX!

Paul McCartney buys his fish and chips on Tottenham Court Road. We'd have thought he'd had enough battered sausage to last him a lifetime etc.

The Virgin Suicides

A mole writes...

"In the same toilet block at Virgin One as the dirty protest formerly mentioned on Holy Moly the following tragic event occurred.

A diabetic employee collapsed in the shower and cracked his head. He was escorted to hospital, however a few days later his team and the rest of the staff at Virgin One were informed he had sadly passed away. His family were devastated as only a few weeks before his mother had also passed on. His relatives insisted on a family-only funeral, and so his team set about remembering him in their own way, by joining together to embark on a charity run in aid of a diabetes charity.

Several weeks later, one of the team was walking down Oxford Street - a few roads down from the Virgin offices on Great Portland street, and who should he bump in to? His former colleague, now curiously un-dead. It transpired the deceased man in question had actually faked his own death in order to get some sort of payout from Virgin One and realising he had been rumbled, hurried home from oxford street and emailed his old boss explaining that he was in fact alive, and wanted to come in and explain himself.

Cue him turning up unannounced at the office where everyone had already grieved for him with his now curiously undead mother for support. There he pleaded with his manager to not inform the police of his deception and a deal was struck. Ashamed and barely able to look his colleagues in the eye, the ex-employee had one final request of his former manager, "Can I have a reference?"

Duty log mental

Floods on ITV

I thought that last night you had reached a new low but i was wrong congrats outstanding brilliant the second episode of FLOOD was the worst thing i have ever seen the biggest load of total crap ever this is total siht crap did you plan it to be on the same weekend as thousands of people are dead from the monsoon in burma totally brilliant what a bunch of arsholes you are. (via email - unedited).