THE HEROES
| Newcastle United | Sometimes good, more often shite. Even more entertaining than Manchester City. |
| Nadine Coyle | I would barefoot waterski across a lake of razor blades just to chew her toe nail clippings. |
| Nadine Coyle | I'd crawl naked over burning coals and broken glass just to lick the exhaust pipe of the van that takes her knickers to the launderette. |
| Naomi Watts | Best cry wank ever committed to celluloid. |
| Newsbeat | For repeating the fact that Gary Glitter had 'touched down' this morning |
| Nick Cave | Because he's still the coolest man in the world. Watch this if you need a timely reminder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lneSAju-Xtc |
| Nigel Kennedy | For sticking 2-fingers up at the Classical music establishment by giving an awe inspiring performance of Elgar's Violin Concerto at the BBC Proms whilst dressed as a tramp. Good work, you post-punk mentalist. |
| Nigel Molesworth | Bekause he is a genius, as any fule kno. |
| No England in Euro 2008 | I have really enjoyed the football without the constant barrage of bollocks, propaganda and National Front, er I mean National Pride that we are subject to from the media during such events. |
| New York Street Sweepers | For sucking up and killing a Boston terrier whilst it was being walked, on a lead, by its owner. Give the driver a medal, and a job on any UK council estate. |
| Nights out in Japan. | Ok I'm an ex-pat, so instant cunt, but whenever I'm back in the UK I am rudely reminded that a good night out in Britain is usually anything but. So here's the reasons. No licensing laws. Get as pissed as you want, anywhere you want. If the bar you are in happens to close, stagger a couple of minutes down the road to the next one. Eating and drinking combined. None of this necking back 8 pints on an empty stomach 'coz it is somehow macho. Eat a bit, drink a bit. Bars and eateries open all night. No queues at nightclubs. Yep, that's right. Turn up, pay the money, in you go. Likewise no dress codes at most of them, so no reason for the staff to fuck with you. No bouncers at nightclubs. Yep. No fucking knuckle draggers in a dinner suit intent on demonstrating their toughness by a surly and aggressive attitude to the customers. Such security as there is is discreet, polite and efficient. Nice girls, in terms of looks and attitudes. Loads and loads of pretty girls in fashionable clothes, who are mostly politely dismissive of unwanted attention, and will pass the time of day with you if you are civil. Not tattooed, drunken harridans with rolls of fat oozing out of their ill-fitting clothes and an attitude that they can be as loud and drunk and obnoxious as any man. Or snotty princesses who make it clear at a glance that they wouldn't piss in your mouth if your heart was on fire. No violence. (Or very little) People get as drunk as it is possible to be, and mostly just leave each other alone. You just don't get the psycho staring and hair trigger tempers amongst patrons that you get in certain places in the UK. Almost every brawl that I have seen here has involved foreigners, with the citizens of the UK and Russia in joint first place for getting antsy when the drink is in them. Discreet policing. Probably because of the factors above, not much need for vans full of cops tearing round at 2 in the morning, trying to calm down the 'he was looking at my pint' brigade, or arresting drunks for pissing up back alleys. Fucking top night out almost guaranteed. Have a laugh, have a drink, chat up some bird (maybe pull), stagger home amongst the commuters at whatever time of the morning you decide you've had enough, wake up at home with a thick head, not in hospital with a fractured skull, or a police cell with a fine or a court appearance due. |
| New Battlestar Galactica | Gritty allegorical sci-fi that makes anything else in the genre look like the original Battlestar Galactica. |
| Neil Armstrong | Because it's about time a real hero was mentioned on this fucking website. |
| Neil Young | greatest singer / songwriter and guitar player in the whole wide world ever. |
| Naomi Campbell | Mad as a fucking box of frogs, but adds a bit of Joan Crawford style glamour back into fashion. And she gobbed on a pig! Go on girl, don't take their shit! |
| Natasha Kaplinsky | for being in a job for one month, then announcing that your 3 months up the duff, hence claiming approximately £750,000 maternity pay next year! Result. I'd love to have been in that meeting at Five! |
| New GTA game | 'Cos if it's half as good as San Andreas it's gonna kick ass. (and also because I wanted to take Marcel fucking Proust off the top of the list of cows) |
| Norman 'Hurricane' Smith | Record producer, worked with Pink Floyd, the Beatles and the Pretty Things, before launching a pop career with the fantastically mental 'Oh Babe, What Would You Say' - and watching it hit number one in Britain and America! Died 3rd March 2008. RIP Norman, the world will be a poorer place without you. |
| Nick Hogan | The first publican to be convicted after challenging the smoking ban got twatted for £10,000 in the courts today. Three grand fine, seven grand to m'learned friends. He vows to fight on. Hero. |
| Never Mind The Buzzcocks | Not only being the hilarious, scathing TV equivalent of HM, but having the top fitness combo of KT Tunstall and Lauren Laverne on the same week. Nice one! |