THE HEROES
| John Peel | Glastonbury on the telly aint the same without you. |
| Janet Street-Porter | For being strangely attractive |
| jemermy Kyle | Cos this morning he managed not to piss himself laughing when a tootless woman started shouting to a man who threatened her "come in my face, come in my face" |
| Joan Rivers | for fucking Loose Women |
| Jonny Borrell | Probably the most underated singer around, and despite the slating he gets he keeps coming back for more. |
| June Carter Cash | Or Valerie June Carter Cash, to be precise. Yes, we know Johnny is a legend but she was gorgeous, funny, talented (she wrote Ring of Fire, for pity's sake) and sexy. Plus, she inspired much (no, not all before youl get upset) of what he did. She was pretty but a bit dorky. She was religious but didn't proselytise. Her family were hillbillies but made her and her siblings finish school. She could cook and fire a shotgun but still read Vogue and got her hair done regularly. Her step-children adored her. She didn't do a Yoko. She's basically the ideal woman. Women like her, men like her. Having written this, I should hate her for being so perfect but I can't....she was just too darn cute. |
| johnny cash | PUT IT IN HM OR DIEEEEEEEEEEEE |
| Jonathan Meades | Presenting a travel programme, in a Lithuanian restaurant, for this: "I haven't eaten bear, but I have eaten beaver, and I highly recommend it." |
| James Randi | Despite having an amusing surname he has done a terrific job of disproving an awful lot of nonsense. Also his beard is worth a mention |
| Jerry Sadowitz | Because he is misanthropy taken well past what anyone here considers acceptable. Because he is the best magician in the world. Because he is a seriously funny fucker and because he's a) alive and b) not a footballer, like you seem to need to be to get in here recently |
| Joe Calzaghe | Got knocked down in the first round then got up off his arse and fought his way to victory. Seems like a lovely, modest guy too. |
| Jude Law's hairline | For turning him into Phil Collins |
| James Corden | You are a star. Its probably impossible to dislike you. The characters in G and Stacey are so loveable it makes a change from laughing AT people all the time. Plus you are funny as a bugger of the cuff too boyo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXyK0ean-D4&NR=1 P.S. If Lily aint interested shes a muppet. |
| Johnny and Denise | Just when i'd given up on breakfast radio i drove into London today and tuned into Capital. Hadn't listened to it for years and these two had me laughing out loud. Moyles and his wank entourage should tune in. |
| Judge Davinder Lachar | For finally putting that skag-addled fuckwit Pete Doherty in jail where he belongs |
| John Prescott | £4000 on food shopping for the year. Either a total Cunt or major Hero. I'd have done the same so that makes him a major Hero. |
| Janey Godley | On the whole, a slightly average comedienne. However she goes in for this: "You always see Jodie Marsh defending herself on TV with claims of her amazing IQ of 170 or something. Yeah, because Pythagoras Theorem really helps out when you're wiping footballer's spunk out of your eye" |
| Jimmy Kimmel | If only for the bit at 5min 45sec where Robin Williams pretends to take a money shot to the face: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIQrBouWRiE |
| Joe Brown | Spikey-haired ageing cockerney crooner. As culturally relevant today as he was in the 60s. Your newly-released cover of the Ram Jam Band's Black Betty is living proof of that. Gertcha! |
| Jesus | because he fucked off eventually, unlike frank bruno. |