| Chris Martin is the only person on earth who needs a sleeping pill rather than his own music to send themselves to sleep
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| The time it takes for a female pensioner to use a cashpoint is proportionate to the amount of time it takes Pete Townshend to release a book about Paedophilia.
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| The best way to break up a toughened cum rag is with a toffee hammer.
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| THe most evil, devious and manipulative people in the world are fat middle-aged women, most of whom wear white pants on holiday
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| Bradley from Eastenders constantly sounds out of breath.
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| No one understands how, after a crime has been committed, people are able to describe to a sketcher what the criminal looked like, and how the sketcher was able to produce such an accurate portrayal of the cunt.
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| It's probable that most HolyMoly users are like Bradley from Eastenders.
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| Even the most staunch of Lost fans can't remember why the hatch needed to be blown up.
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| There are few things more satisfying than using fly spray.
Maybe using mustard gas on Chris Martin, but thats illegal.
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| Mr HM is very squeamish.
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| Pubes on your laptop are not a good first impression.
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| Nothing can compare to the excitement of talking a piss in the kitchen
sink while your partner and her parents are in the lounge.
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| Any woman driving a car with a Playboy sticker on it is very, very unlikely to be a Playboy centrefold, but will undoubtedly, when they're totally pissed, dance haphazardly round a pole in their local bar-with-dance-floor, unaware their arse crack is showing and is as deep as the grand canyon. But not as nice to look at.
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| Pretty soon OBE's will be given away with equity cards.
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| No matter how good you are at 'Guitar Hero', you're still not a musician, you're just some arsehole with a mini guitar with a bunch of clunky buttons on it.
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| Bon Jovi is every fat girl's favourite band.
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| You can never name more than one member of Coldplay
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| You cant give a baby booze.
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| Gabriella Cilmi = Amy Winehouse - (Crack+BFC)
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| If the legal wedding ceremony took place in the UK, and the wedding reception with your real family is to take place in the UK, what exactly do you call a ceremony with no actual meaning that takes place hundreds of miles from hom just for the cameras of a chavvy rag?
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