| Females - wild enthusiastic cheering while watching football in the pub is fine, but after someone scores a goal is the optimum time to do it.
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| Never get into a pissing contest with a man with no foreskin.
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| The next pentium chip will always have the same upgrade features and groudbreaking new technology that no one had previously thought possible.........2 extra little legs on the end!
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| There is always one member of the Loose Women panel who you would, and three you wouldn't.
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| Encouraging people to take the bus more OR raising bus fares.
Transport officials, please choose ONE of the above.
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| When one of your friends gets overly excited (almost feverish) on facebook about a relationship barely a week old, there is a small moment of excitement as you look forward to reading the very public meltdown when it all goes wrong.....
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| Sneaking The Metro into your bag on arriving at your Tube stop reveals to the rest of the carriage that you a) are the sort of person who takes his/her full hour for lunch every day and b) has the reading age of a five year old and no friends.
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| No matter how many times they vote for Citizen Kane, all film critics know deep down that Trading Places was the greatest film ever made.
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| M Khan is bent
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| Razor manufacturers; want to re-invent your product? Simply add another blade to it. Failing that, stick a battery in it.
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| Even if they're wearing the latest Nike super-grip gloves, goalkeepers always spit on them before a corner/free kick/penalty
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| It is impossible to drive past a traffic jam without someone in the the car saying "I'm glad we're not going that way"
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| Every man alive would fuck Anthea Turner, and every man alive will deny it.
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| There is no such thing as a PIN number or The Ukraine.
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| The only time you'll ever see cocaine being chopped up by a razor blade is on bbc news
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| Fellows note, when watching Heros and your girlfriend/wife asks what superpower you would bestow upon the other person, don't say 'The ability to turn into Jessica Alba'.
Unless you're tired of sex.
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| There will always be an uncomfortable silence while entering your PIN number. Especially at Tesco where the staff are ordered to look at the opposite wall.
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| If under 35 it's impossible to use a nose strip without looking in the mirror and noticing how much you resemble Robbie Fowler
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| When crossing paths with the sani-binman at the gym, most women experience a mix of compassion and guilt
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| Every sports hall has at least one football wedged in the rafters and several shuttle cocks on top of the cricket nets
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