THE CORNER
| Wielding closed umbrellas horizontally.. | To the wanker I encountered on the Waterloo and City line yesterday evening: Dear Wanker, I wish to apologise unresevedly for the incident between ourselves on the crowded platform at Bank station. The incident resulted from my unawareness of the new rule stating that umbrellas should be brandished horizontally (that is, at an angle of 90 degrees to the body). I was quite unaware that the old tradition of holding them vertically had been phased out. I shall certainly make it my business to keep abreast of such developments to prevent future misunderstandings. Furthermore, I had somewhat naively believed umbrellas to simple tools to shelter oneself from the rain, but on reflection I now appreciate the validilty of their dual role as genital prodding devices in crowded public areas. Having given the matter due consideration, I now accept that branding you a 'fucking idiot' was quite uncalled for. I apologise most sincerely for any upset caused, and trust that both you and your umbrella enjoyed a pleasant journey home. Now fuck off, arsehole. Yours sincreley Impaled of London |
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