THE CORNER
| The Weather | 9 degrees for fucking months on end - freezing my bollocks off. Then within the space of a week or two it's fucking 25 and I'm sweating like a Nazi at Nuremberg. What the fuck happened to 16 degrees, otherwise known as Spring. |
| Father on Britain's Got Talent | "If my twelve-year old daughter gets to play the Royal Variety Perfomance I'll bring plenty of tissues" - cracking one off while your child is onstage has only been attemped successfully by Jamie Spears. |
| Teenaged Son in BT Advert | Because he isn't in my bed, naked, holding out a spliff and smiling in that shy way he has. Little cunt. |
| The Trinity Ball in Dublin | I have never seen so many drunken idiots in tuxedos... It's not the levels of intoxication it was the distinct lack of ability to control it even up to 10 pm... A sad day for students who claim they can hold their drink everywhere. The ambulance crews have probably never had to work so had, lots of people couldn't even make it to the tent and passed out on the cobbles (which were killing the ankles all the people in high heels). Also they annoyed the piss out of me whilst I was trying to film by asking me to film their nipples (something I wasn't really up for doing as I'd have to watch the footage back endless times). Otherwise well done Dublin for a nice evening and it's a shame to be leaving. |
| Cherie Blair | For umdermining her own "beloved" Labour party in the interests of selling a book. A synopsis: Born. Hated everything. Became commie. Went to uni. Was quite good at bullshitting so became a lawyer. Realised money was fun. Met Tony. Fucked Tony. Realised Tony was a better at politics (wasnt quite as much of a cunt) so abandoned being dream of being "commie" Thatcher to stay as a lawyer. Bought some flats in Bristol for fuck all while having a massage from some Aussie bint. Slagged of Gordon. Wrote Book. Slagged off Gordon. Sucked Tonys cock. The end. |
| The 24 hour man from the Right Guard ad | He has stupid waffy hair and Daniel Powter is his anthem. What a prick. |
| Dream Theater | Stand up if your a dream theater fan, Now sit down if your NOT a virgin I SAID !!.. SIT DOWN IF YOUR NOT A VIRGIN ..oh I see |
| Lembit Opik | Proff that there's always an arsehole between two Cheeks. |
| Boris Johnston | I voted for you and still am very glad you got in, but Im going to miss a cheeky drink on the tube on the way back from Camden/Highgate etc etc |
| BBC News | For the groundbreaking headline: "Teens get drunk to have sex". Bone idle fucking journalism. Next week: "Ben Elton is a cunt." |
| The Burma Government | Your people are dying and you impound aid flights. Military cunts and you have shit uniforms. |
| Geri Halliwell | Talk about over exposure! Got a book out have we? |
| Coke Zero | For tasting Shit |
| HM | For refusing to put my Boris Johnson entry onto Heroes. You ken-loving cunts. |
| Crocs | Cant mention Flip Flops without mentioning these visible cuntishness indicators. |
| 'clever' Cobra beer adverts on Dave | If you told a story where you started off in a pub called "The Cock" and ended up in a place called "The Bull", would people think you were a cunt? Yes. |
| Morrissey | First two lines from his new single (all I heard before I switched the cunt off): 'You hiss and groan and you constantly moan But you don't ever go away' Pot, kettle and black spring to mind! The fucking bastard. |
| Lisa Moorish | For demanding that Pete Doherty buy you a house or you won't let him see his son. As much as I despise the crack-head, I despise slags like you who are only famous for getting up the duff by famous men then thinking they owe you something. Oh sorry you had a shit record in the 90's. And you really are one stupid cunt if you think Potty Pete would choose that over his next hit of whatever! |
| flip flops | It is May in England ffs, not August in Lanzarote. Put those ugly paws away please. |
| Edith Bowman | Stop singing over songs and salivating over guests you talent-free, verminous little creature. |