1. PICTURE OF THE WEEK
(Holy News)

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY

2. SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL
(Holy News / News)

Peaches Geldof continues in her quest for attention by getting married

3. THE DARK FIGHT
(Holy News / News)

CHRISTIAN BALE ARRESTED FOR ASSAULTING MOTHER AND SISTER

4. BALL-GAME
(Holy News / News)

ALEX RODRIGUEZ AND MADONNA RUMOURS CONTINUE

5. MEL AND GRIM
(Holy News / News)

MEL GIBSON AND BRITNEY SPEARS MEET UP AGAIN

6. HANDS OFF BEST!
(Holy News / News)

CALUM BEST TO TAKE VOW OF ABSTINENCE FOR NEW MTV SHOW

7. TEQUILA SLAM-DUNKERS
(Holy News / News)

DENNIS RODMAN MAY NOT BE SERIOUS ABOUT REHAB

8. OUT IN ALBION
(Holy News / News)

PETE'S PRISON SENTENCE HALVED

9. WONDERFALL
(Holy News / News)

BARACK OBAMA'S WIFE FAILS TO HELP HUSBAND'S CAMPAIGN

10. PARIS 4 ELISHA
(Holy News / News)

PARIS KISSES ACTRESS ELISHA CUTHBERT ON NIGHT OUT

11. HEATH LEDGER: UPDATE
(Holy News / News)

AN UPDATE ON THE LATEST HEATH LEDGER NEWS

12. WIN TICKETS TO SKINS PARTY
(Holy News / Competition)

TWENTY PAIRS OF TICKETS FOR PREMIERE

13. HEY SCREECHER! LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE
(Holy News / News)

BROOKLYN BECKHAM NOT IMPRESSED WITH HIS MOTHER'S SINGING

14. FLASH BOREDOM
(Holy News / News)

THE REASON WHY BRITNEY DOESN'T WEAR KNICKERS IS REVEALED

15. LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING
(Holy News / News)

COURTNEY LOVE IS JUST A NORMAL MUM

16. BRING ON MONDAY!
(Holy News / News)

BOTH PRISON BREAK 3 AND HEROES 2 PREMIERE ON MONDAY

17. SPIDER-MANSON
(Holy News / News)

MARILYN MANSON WANTS TO BE SPIDER-MAN, WON'T CARRY BAGS

18. Simple And Blessed
(Holy News / News)

David Beckham is 'blessed' with boys but would like a girl

19. Did Shakespeare Die For This?
(Holy News / News)

Pete Doherty in book-signing attempt

20. The Nightmare Before Broadcast
(Holy News / News)

Gordon Ramsay sued by angry US caterers

21. Prisoner Cell Block 'H'
(Holy News / News)

Paris Hilton faces angry reception committee in jail

22. THEY WERE RACIST: IT'S OFFICIAL
(Holy News / News)

PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN TRANSCRIPT OF RACIST JO O'MEARA AND JACK TWEEDY ENTERS PUBLIC DOMAIN

23. Bowels
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

For always making me need a shit like clockwork on a fucking tuesday.

24. Fast drivers in the rain
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

Did i want to spend my tuesday evening stuck for over 3hrs on the fucking M25? did i fuck you stupid twat, but no, you obviously thought your shitty car could stop in the cunting rain while you were d

25. government or media
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

For hushing up the death in Brixton on tuesday where a junkie got run down by a prison van transporting convicts in bumper to bumper traffic. A riot kicked off and the whole area was shut down.

26. Herbal Organcis Shampoo Adverts
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...cs sound a bit like orgasmic!!!!!1111!!!!! Let's do a campaign where we say Laura likes to do "It" on a Tuesday "It" as in like sex as in like orgasmic which sounds like Organics FUCKING GENI...

27. House price news
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...ories about this, to the point that none of them are worth bothering with. Monday - House prices slowing Tuesday - Prices still rising Wednesday - Flats "losing value" Thursday - Interest rates not ...

28. Lily in Cannes
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...you roll around with your vag out, flash your tits, get hammered and pass out? Obviously that's an average Tuesday at Tit Villas for Peter Andre, but when you're a supposed 'talent' and you're at Cann...

29. Lorraine Kelly
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...er an article from Clarkson detailling every stroke of the massive wank he had while his wife was out last tuesday would be deemed horribly inappropriate....

30. Mark Frith's diary
(Glossary / Cunts Corner)

...said pithy things about celebrities, as well as flirting with Anne Robinson, I love ladies, what a fox! Tuesday: Filmed 'I Love Yesterday' for BBC3, I was dead funny and said some really witty thin...